My 10-Day Silent Meditation Retreat: A Journey Through Pain, Monkey Mind, and Reconnecting with the Self.
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When faced with difficulties in life, you have the opportunity to learn and grow. This increased consciousness and awareness can help you better understand yourself and your experiences, allowing you to carry these lessons forward.
I left my corporate job one year ago and started my own business. I knew the risks involved but was already burnt out and needed to prepare for such a transition.
However, when I decided to stop everything this year, I was unprepared for how attached I had become to something I strongly believed in.
Then, finally, it dawned on me that something was missing from my life, and something was not right.
My curiosity led me to explore the relationship between my meditation practice, psychology, and ancient philosophy. This made me question how my subconscious mind plays a role in this exploration.
While chatting with a friend about meditation, he told me about Vipassana, a 2,500-year-old meditation practice.
So, I signed up for a 10-day silent meditation course without researching it.
My expectation was not to define my life purpose or values, as these are already clear to me. Instead, I wanted to take a break from the distractions of everyday life and spend some time in silence, meditating and reflecting on myself.
I have practiced meditation for over six years, but nothing can prepare you for ten days of silent meditation.
The meditation center is on a small hill in Ras Al Khaimah, surrounded by palm trees and an animal farm. The landscape is breathtaking, with dedicated walking areas and outdoor seating. Fortunately, the weather was great during our stay.
Checking into the center was a simple process.
First, we went through onboarding, during which they explained the course in detail and showed us to our rooms, dining hall, and meditation hall.
You are not allowed to have your phone, digital devices, or any tools for reading or writing. Additionally, you cannot contact your family members or friends during the whole period.
The wake-up bell ring at 4 am, and meditation begins at 4:30 am. Lights out are at 9 pm, and everyone should retire to their rooms by then.
To avoid losing track of the days, I decided to give each day a name as I went through them:
Day 1: Pain
The meditation hall is a large wooden hut with a simple interior and no furniture. Shoes were to be removed and placed in the designated space for each person. Each of us was allocated a designated area with cushions for the entire course.
Upon entering, a sense of calm immediately permeates the space, with birds chirping softly in the background.
We were instructed to always sit on the ground in any preferred posture and to maintain that posture for as long as possible.
In the evening, I felt weird exhaustion and tiredness. Then, when I went to bed, I experienced pain in my lower body joints, preventing me from sleeping. I soon realized I had pushed myself to continue sitting in a specific position for too long.
Day 2: Monkey mind
My mind began to wander as I started to question everything. Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted by a realization: what if something happened to my family? Going two days without a phone was quite weird. I couldn't help but wonder if it was worth it and whether I should quit.
These thoughts consumed me, and I knew I had to find a way to make sense of it all.
During breaks, It was amusing to see people, including myself, strolling with grace in the garden, observing the sky, trees, plants, and insects with total concentration. It made me wonder, "Is this how people used to be before smartphones?"
Day 3: Beyond my breath
From day one, we were introduced to focusing on our breath without the need to change the breathing rhythm. Instead, focus on your normal breath while seated in any position you like during the daily 10 hours of meditation.
This phase is called mind mastery, where you take control of your brain and don't allow it to take your thoughts to the past or future. Instead, be aware and equanimous about the present moment.
Although I'm not a fan of vegetarian Indian food, I fell in love with it. The way it was cooked allowed me to discover new flavors. However, it's possible that I enjoyed the food because I was sitting facing a wall with no distractions, which made me eat slower and fully immerse myself in every bite.
Day 4: Vipassana gateway
On that day, you began to master your mind by focusing on your breath and feeling the sensations in your body. Didn't know that you can teach your mind to sense a specific part of your body.
The second half of the day marked the beginning of the Wisdom phase. During this phase, you will hold your posture for two hours while maintaining focus and clarity of mind toward your body sensations.
You will be guided on how to follow a specific flow, and you should avoid the craving for comfort or aversion to the pain you may experience while maintaining equanimity.
By the fourth day, I had lost interest in tracking time. My practice had become my main focus, and I was following the steps and fully immersed in it.
I typically do not dream, but I had nightmares for several nights. I vividly recall the details of each dream. So it was no surprise that they were related to my childhood memories during the civil war in Lebanon. Fire and intense gunfire were the main themes of each dream.
During the mediation sessions, I experienced several flash images passing through my mind at the speed of light. Most of them were places I visited during my childhood. I could not label them good or bad, but I felt strange.
Although I tried to remain attentive and focused, the mind tends to play tricks on you, pulling you back to memories or thoughts of the future.
Many memories, relationships, and experiences crossed my mind. Still, the following are the main ones that I had to pause, take a break, and reflect on before I could continue meditating.
From 2000 to 2007, I volunteered with the Lebanese Red Cross as part of the first response team. Although I have many good and bad memories, nothing can prepare you for what you may experience during a war.
During the 2006 war, I was assigned to help evacuate a patient through Beirut harbor. It was the scene of warships from several countries evacuating all foreigners and Lebanese citizens of other nationalities. Seeing people begging to get on the ships but being denied because they only had a Lebanese passport was terrifying, just thinking that you are stuck in a war.
I participated in several missions to the southern region of Lebanon, where the fighting was the most intense. Our tasks included transporting food and supplies and evacuating wounded people. During one mission, we were given a bag of calcium hydroxide powder to use on dead and burned bodies stuck in civilian cars targeted on the highways to prevent scavengers from eating them.
Arriving at the destination and seeing the fear on people's faces as they asked us to get them out of danger was scary. Asking civilian cars to stop following us to avoid being targeted was painful and unforgettable.
The scenes were indescribable; I wouldn't wish such a situation on anyone.
The most challenging and profound reflection I had was about my dad. I deeply regret not being able to apologize to him for the wrong I did before he passed away. What made this even worse was that I could not attend his funeral due to flight availability back home.
Although I made peace with it long ago, I realized it still impacts me. However, I am now more comfortable with it, which motivates me to be a better father and husband.
On Day 8, I finally figured out the whole practice. I became in tune with controlling my breathing, maintaining proper body posture, and observing the sensations of each body part I focused on.
The pain became limited to certain parts of my body, and I became aware of how to cope with it through non-judgmental observation.
However, as the teacher said, I should avoid getting attached to this, as it will also pass. This is where I learned about the natural law of impermanence, which states that all physical and mental events come into being and eventually dissolve.
Therefore, it's essential to understand that everything we go through in life is a series of events and feelings that arise and then pass away.
Day 10: breaking the silence
On the night of the ninth day, we were informed that we would break the silence the next day at 10 am. The objective was to prepare us for resuming speech and avoid the shock of returning to the outer world.
At first, I thought it would be normal to start talking again, but then I realized it wasn't easy, and I wasn't in the mood to speak with anyone.
When they returned our phones to us, I felt the same way I did when I carried my first Nokia 6110 phone in 1997. I turned it on, called my wife (with some emotion), and then switched it off.
On Day 11, we woke up at 4 am as usual, did our meditation, had breakfast, cleaned our rooms and the meditation hall, and then left the center.
After 10 days of silence, I have much to reflect on. This was one of the most challenging experiences of my life, yet it was also the most enlightening.
This experience made me aware of the need to detach myself from the past and let go of everything trapped in my subconscious. Think of it as a way to purify the mind.
It taught me about equanimity and living without desires or dislikes. Living without attachment means not being attached to the outcomes of things.
In addition, it provided me with a tool I can continue using throughout my life.
It's a powerful technique that can help you cultivate greater self-awareness and understanding, which can be helpful when facing challenges in life.
It may not be for everyone, but I highly recommend it.
Until next time.
— Saf
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